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Yesterday I was enjoying a blissful mid-day cuddle when I heard from the window a fervent argument break out. A man was vehemently enraged and his voice overpowered the voice of a woman who seemed equally angry. At one point I heard what sounded like a magazine slam down on a table, and from another window the very strong low voice of what sounded to be an African American woman saying “Giiiirl!” maybe she thought she heard a slap, but her calling out resulted in windows closing and music being turned up.
Harmony.
I had this realization a couple years ago, that harmony is dynamic when watching a cohort train at an aikido school that a group of us had visited, it is a slightly different style. Ours is Iwama style and it is more linear, lower to the ground, as I gather. Practitioners of other forms of aikido will sometimes make fun of Iwama style, calling it ‘KuRaBu (crab) style. That day I had one of my weak days for my knees, so I had to sit by the sidelines after a while. I watched my friend train with others, and noted the looks of frustration and consternation on their faces because he was ‘doing it wrong’. The poor guy as really trying to blend, but to them he was all elbows. The expression I saw on their faces was something akin to ‘You are not harmonizing with my technique!’ Which gave me the ah-hah moment. The ‘ai’ in aikido means harmony. The purpose of the ai is to find a way for both people to be in harmony, however that manifests. The irony is that I saw people frustrated with this guy who was genuinely trying; they wanted him to change over completely and were unwilling to blend with him. The fact of the matter is, his body was used to one way of doing things, and though he was attempting to try it their way, his body wasn't able to fully transfer over. It wasn’t only his responsibility; they could have demonstrated the difference in technique without expressing their frustration or making him feel like an alien. As much as they were frustrated, they too were being disharmonious with their technique.
Harmony is Dynamic.
At the other end of the spectrum, there are times in life when I find myself trying to blend and modify more than I am physically and emotionally able. When this happens I cause as much disharmony as when I am unwilling to compromise. I find that I lose the homeostasis of ‘us’ because there is very little me in that and I disappoint. My strong want to not let my friends or co-workers down causes more than just me to suffer. How can I get back to that state of harmony?
I know that I am only in control of me, I know that I can only seek to resolve my struggle from within rather than from without. I would want to seek the shouting man and tell him that no matter who is at fault, his rage won’t create harmony in the end. He has no way to resolve it through acting out on the shouting woman. The only way he can find solace is by asking for that which he needs, and if it does not manifest, then it wasn’t there in the first place.
Yes I understand that harmony is a state in flux, this is part of its dynamism. In any one moment, things might seem unequal, but in the larger sphere, over a longer period, there may still be harmony. I know in order to be more grounded, more centered, and more capable of harmony, I must know what my needs are and be able to tell the difference between needs and wants. I must not apply emotional sinkers to the line of relationship I have to others, but be firm in the paramount needs, express them calmly, and listen with compassion to those in my proverbial pack for they have needs as well. Hopefully, we can find a synthesis so that all of our needs are met.
The dynamism in harmony is finding the middle ground so that respect for needs is evident, the prerequesites for that are knowing the difference between needs and wants, being invested in the needs of the other as well as the self, not trying to micromanage the needs of the other, and having the fortitude to work it all out.
Thanks for reading, it was mostly a note to self, but I'd love to hear how you feel. :)
